English Makes You Fat

According to researchers at the Mayo Clinic, speaking English as a second language makes you fat.

Bilingualism was once considered a leading cause of mental retardation. American psychologists in the early twentieth century argued that filling up a child’s brain with a useless immigrant language like Italian or Yiddish meant less room for actual knowledge. They also found a strong correlation between speaking two languages and criminal behavior. Their solution was simple: switch to English, leave the language of crime and ignorance behind, become 100% American, and don’t look back.